Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Leather Jacket

As this is my first blog I will start by introducing myself. I am Katrina, also occasionally known as Kate and since my last name is Forman I thought it would be cute to spell it with numbers. I think my late husband would laugh, at least I like to think so. Sometimes I think I only remember what I want to about him. He has been gone for nearly 7 years now and sometimes days, even weeks go by with only a passing thought of him. Recently though, as certain incidents have triggered certain things, he has come to mind more and more often and the pain I sometimes shut away in the dark recesses of the dungeon of my brain has too. I am told that this is good for me. That I need to "deal with it" I don't want to "deal with it! It hurts!! But since I have started to clean house and de-clutter my literal dwelling, maybe my mind wants to clean out some of the cobwebs too.

Today my trigger was his old Leather Jacket. He wore it for our first date. He was wearing it for our first kiss, and he wore it a lot the first couple years of our marriage. I remember hugging him and resting my cheek on his chest and smelling that wonderful leather smell that is so masculine and somehow compelling to me.

Yesterday I picked it up from the dry cleaners and left it in the bag on the couch. So today when I got home I took it, along with my other dry cleaning upstairs and hung it in my closet. (by the way I swear the jacket alone weighs a hundred pounds, okay maybe 50..30? well it's really heavy okay!) So I lugged the thing upstairs and I wonder...does it still have the smell? So I removed the plastic and I leaned in real close. Pretty soon I was resting my cheek against it & suddenly I was back in time, and he was hugging me. (I tried to figure out how to wrap the sleeves around myself, but decided that was silly... and hopeless). It felt so good, I didn't want to move. So I didn't... for a few minutes anyway. But pretty soon I convinced myself that I couldn't stay there forever and so I pulled myself away. Just knowing it is there, that I could do that again is so tempting... It kind of scared me.
He has been gone for 7 years and I really have come a long way. Was I reverting? Would I suddenly obsess about this jacket and allow my progress to crumble until I am once again an emotional basket case, wearing his old shirt and sweatpants all the time? Or is it allowing me to process and feel things I should allow myself to feel so I can "deal with" my emotions? How can I find out? Viewing my tears as a good sign, I have decided for now that it is the latter, however I am going to limit my exposure. Just in case.

Two Hours Later (can't you just hear the narrator from SpongeBob?) I have just finished watching a wonderful movie about two amazing women and their husbands were so wonderful I couldn't help but miss mine. So I touched "The Box" on my bookcase, and looked at the cold shiny varnished oak with his name on it. And I went to my closet and wrapped myself in the leather jacket, and rested my cheek on the leather. So now I'm not so sure how this is going to work out, I guess time will tell. And by the way the smell-it's faint but still there!!

1 comment:

  1. KATRINA, this is scrapstreams, Dale Rose Stream from DD, Sept 2012...I don't know if you even receive notice that I am trying to post here, but I just wanted to let you know that I have found your blog via dd, following our conversation about my Fibro & your CFS.
    What a wonderful descriptive author you are. I do not know your past, including your education or specialties, likes or dislikes (other than scrapping), but you are doing something wonderful here. Keep it up and so many gentle Fibro hugs to you as you continue your journey & remembrances.